Hope comes from inside, and I feel so low tonight
by rcd
Summary: Reid has been clean a little over ten months, and has just gotten the coin representing John's one year mark of being clean. But what happens when things starts falling apart, and Reid decides to take a two week vacation?
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I do not own the characters to this story, even if I wished I did.

Reid had just come home, from talking with the team, and telling them he would be away for a couple weeks, on a vacation. He had been ten months clean now, but suddenly everything was crashing down in his head again. He hadn't even been able to focus at the last case they had been assigned to, something that was extremely unusual for him. All he could think about was how that drug was able to seep through his body and make everything okay again, and God, how he needed things to be okay. The flashbacks had started coming back a couple of months earlier, at first it hadn't been so bad, but surely it had gotten worse in a matter of weeks. He was lying on his bed now, studying the coin John had given him, representing his one year mark of being clean. He didn't understand why he had given it to him, even though he wanted to. But his thoughts wouldn't stay with him, as the pictures of what happened started creeping up in his head. He clutched his other hand, in which he had his already prepared shot. The first thing he had done when he came home was to prepare it, and now he was lying here, trying to find reasons why he shouldn't take it. But he was running out of them.

He knew everyone in his team loved him and was there for him, as he was for them. But in some strange way he had never felt more alone then he did now, more hopeless. He dragged himself sitting up in the bed, and carefully placed the coin on his nightstand, before he lifted the syringe and studied it, while slowly turning it around with his slender fingers. He leaned back against the wall behind him, and slowly pulled his sleeve up. He bit his lower lip as the needle went into his vein, and closed his eyes as he pushed what he now considered to be liquid gold into it.

It didn't take long before that warm sensation started creeping up on him, and before he knew it he was slowly drifting off, visiting old memories in his mind, this time good once, a much needed change.

Morgan was sitting in his car outside of Reid's apartment, looking up at the window he knew lead into the young man's bedroom. He had been worried about him this past week that he had been gone, even more so when neither of his teammates had heard a single word from him. He wondered where he was, how he was. That protective feeling he so often had for the younger teammate seemed stronger then even now. He didn't even know why he was here, Reid had said he was going away, but something in Morgan's mind told him to come here. He slowly turned off the ignition, and got out of his car. As he walked towards the entrance he pushed the button on his keys that locked the car, before he opened the front door and went inside. A rush of something hit his chest, and he didn't know why, but his feet started running up the stairs to Reid's apartment, where he quickly grabbed the set of extra keys he had to it, and unlocked the door.

There was a strong smell in the apartment, closed in, different than what it used to be. Morgan cleared his throat before he called out the younger teammate's name, and closed the door behind him before he stepped out of his shoes. A quick look over the apartment told him that Reid hadn't left since he came here, and the disturbing images of empty cans of soda, and clothes scattered over the floor scared him. Reid had always been tidy, needing to have things set in a special kind of manner, and even how much it had annoyed Morgan, this was more frightening than anything. This wasn't Reid.

Time seemed to pass by extremely slow as Morgan made his way towards the man's bedroom, and he placed his hand on the doorknob, and kept it there for some seconds before he slowly opened it. The smell that met him was intense, a sort of burnt smell. Something wasn't right. He fumbled after the light switch, and felt his heart dropping hard in his chest when the lights came on and he saw his younger teammate lying unconscious in bed, with dark rings around his eyes, with a sort of starved look to his almost naked body. "Reid!" he shouted out, a jolt of fear going off in his body as he made his way to him and started shaking his body. His hands started shaking when he couldn't wake the boy up, but he could also see he was breathing by the way his chest moved. Morgan cursed loudly as he pulled Reid up and hugged him close, and his eyes looked around him in his bed and on the floor, where syringes laid scattered around, and on his nightstand a little pile of the drugs he had used. _Fuck, how could I have let this happen, I was supposed to protect him, how could I not have seen this coming?_

"Reid, please, wake up." He whispered, the hurt apparent in his voice, he couldn't describe what he felt like, or why the feelings where now so intense. But holding his somewhat cold and lifeless body in his hands made his heart break, and he quickly grabbed the blanket and put it around the boy, while his strong hands hugged him close. "I'm so sorry..." he whispered against the young man's hair, before he closed his eyes with his head leaning down on Reid's.

**A/N: This is the first fanfic I have ever written, so reviews would be greatly appreciated! There will be more to this story, well, depending if anyone wants it.**

**Thanks for reading!**


	2. Chapter 2

The night had been long for Morgan, but he had finally fallen asleep, holding his protective arms around his teammate. He had decided not to bring him to a hospital, or call anyone about it. Maybe he should have, but the younger man seemed to be okay, even if he were far away, and he didn't want to bring him more problems than he already had. So he had decided to speak with him when he woke up, to find out what was happening to him.

Reid slowly opened his eyes when he woke up, his body and head feeling heavy, and now noticing the intense hunger he felt. But the arms around him and Morgan's face in front of him made him stiffen up, and reality came crashing down hard on him. What the fuck was Morgan doing here? Hadn't he told his team he was going on a vacation? Had Morgan told anyone? He felt a surge of panic going through him, and hurried out of bed, while making sure his movements wouldn't wake the other man up. He looked around him, and down on his nearly naked body, making him more ashamed than he ever could remember being, having one of his teammates, one of his best friends, seeing him like this.

The frustration he felt now was bigger than ever, no one was supposed to know what he was doing here. He was supposed to have some time on his own, two great weeks of being happy, and then Morgan shows up after only one week. This couldn't be happening, not now; everything had been so good for him this past week. He silently walked over to his closet, finding some clothes to put on. He felt his heart throbbing hard in his chest, anxiety and fear washing over him. How was he going to explain this?

It didn't take long for Morgan to notice that Reid wasn't in bed anymore, and he slowly woke up, opening his eyes and looking at were Reid was standing; next to his closet, getting dressed. Morgan slowly sat up in the bed, and cleared his throat while thinking about what he was going to say to him. "Hey, Reid." he said, getting the younger mans attention. Morgan slowly stood up, walking towards him, and placing his hand on his shoulder. "What's happening with you, man?"

Reid jumped a little from the touch at his shoulder, and was quick to pull away from it. "Nothing." He replied a little too harshly, looking away from the other man. There wasn't a single fiber in Reid's body that didn't want to get as far away from Morgan as he possibly could, or rather have him go away. "It's none of your business, I informed you I was going on a vacation, and seeing as I never take much time of I would have appreciated it if you could have respected that and stayed away when I did. You might not think I have much of a life outside of my job, but for your information I do, and I have no need for you babysitting me, I'm an adult, and I can very much take care of myself, thank you." He snapped, the anger of the fact that his teammates, and Morgan especially, seemed to be under the belief that he couldn't take care of himself becoming more evident.

Morgan was taken aback by the way the man spoke to him, and gritted his teeth together. He crossed his hands in front of his chest saying "Reid, come on, you know I didn't mean it like that. But you can't blame me for being worried about you, the way you were acting at our last case, and then you suddenly out of nowhere deciding to go away for two weeks, not giving a single one of us any sign of life. Man, I know that you're struggling, believe me, I do. But this isn't the way to deal with it, you know as well as me that even how much drugs you pump into your body your past is going to catch up to you. Dammit Reid, you're a smart kid, why are you doing this to yourself?"

A part of Reid understood exactly what he meant, and agreed on it, but the anger he felt was screaming louder than that part, so safe to say, he was in no kind of move to agree to what Morgan had to say. "Well no one asked for your opinion Morgan, and I'm done being bossed around by everybody else. Cause believe it or not I am able to make up my own mind." He close to shouted, grabbing the bag he had in his closet and putting his clothes in it, followed by the syringes and drugs he had laying on his nightstand.

"And who are you to judge me anyway; you don't know anything about how my life is. Sure you're a profiler and everything, but that does not give you the right to come barging into my life questioning MY decisions, and ruining my vacation. And I would think that you could understand my need for privacy, my need for getting away, but no, you're always here trying to save me. Did it ever occur to you that I didn't need you to save me this time around? That maybe for once I want to figure things out by myself, be my own fucking hero?" he snapped, not knowing what he really was saying, just rambling on. He grabbed his jacket and keys, and went for the door. He opened it, and turned around to look at Morgan with his now dark eyes. "Don't come looking for me again." He snapped, before turning his back on him and leaving in a hurry.

Morgan was left speechless, staring in the direction Reid had ran off. What the hell had just happened?

**A/N: Thank you for the reviews on the previous chapter, it meant a lot to me, as I was very unsure on whether or not I should post it. Well here is the second one, I just finished it, I hope you like it, and reviews would be greatly appreciated. Thank you for reading!**


	3. Chapter 3

Reid had been walking around for the past hours, not quite knowing what to do with himself, or where he was headed. The thoughts kept racing through his mind, and he couldn't get away from the anxiety throbbing in his chest. Thinking about how he had talked to Morgan earlier made his entire body go cold; the older man was after all his best friend, what if he had ruined everything by treating him that way? By now the rest of the team probably knew everything, and he didn't know how he could bare to face them again. It hurt and confused him so much, that the fact that he couldn't face his past was now the reason for why he couldn't face his present.

He stopped outside of a motel, and decided to get a room. No one would come to look for him here, no one would think that Reid could ever pay for and stay in such a filthy place, which normally was only used for when tired businessmen needed to blow some steam off with a young woman far more willing and attractive than their wife had ever been.

He made sure to pay for the room in cash, and giving a fake name, not wanting Garcia to use her skills to locate him. He closed the door behind him when he entered the room, taking a quick look over it. It was an okay room, considering how cheap it was, even though the smell was somewhat odd, and the bed probably filled with all kinds of germs and bodily fluids. He exhaled slowly, before placing his bag on the little table placed near the entrance, and started unpacking. He knew what he was doing here was wrong, he knew that the drugs where only a temporarily relief for what seemed to be a permanent problem. But was it really that wrong? Everybody had their way of keeping control of their pain, and this was his. Who gave anyone the right to decide what's right and wrong anyway? And it was not like he was going to continue this forever. It was just these two weeks, wasn't it?

After realizing he hadn't showered for this past week, he took a quick shower, before he grabbed a syringe and the drugs, and quickly prepared it with his fingers that were now shaking more and more for every minute passing. He almost dropped the syringe when he was done, cursing loudly before sitting down on the bed, rolling his sleeve up. He felt somewhat disgusted by all the needle marks on his arm, but chose to ignore it, as he pushed the needle in, waiting for that release he knew was coming.

Morgan felt like he was losing his mind, he had looked everywhere for the kid, but hadn't found him anywhere. He had even asked Garcia to do her magic and see if she could trace him, but no such luck. He was stupid for thinking it would be that easy, the kid was a genius after all. He was considering telling the other people in the team about Reid more and more as the days went by, but a part of him wanted to find him on his own, wanted to help him out of this mess without bringing everyone else into it. He knew Reid would probably hate him if he told the team.

He quickly pulled his phone out of his pocket when he heard the phone ringing, and stared in shock at the name on the display. He forgot for a couple of seconds what was happening, before he suddenly answered the phone, "Reid, are you okay? Talk to me."

Reid was barely conscious, "Morgan…" he whispered, using a few seconds to try and become more awake, before he spoke again. "I'm sorry I talked to you the way I did, I didn't mean to. Well, I did, but I didn't mean for it to come out the way it did." He mumbled; the drugs he had taken very much evident in his voice.

Morgan felt his worry build up from the way the kid sounded, not good at all. "Hey Reid, why don't you tell me where you're at? It would be easier talking face to face then on the phone. Just tell me where you are, and I'll be right there." He said, walking out of the building and reaching for his car keys that were in his pocket.

It took some time for Reid to manage to find the words he was looking for, "I'm not feeling so good Morgan." He whispered into the phone. He tried to open his eyes, but it was like someone had glued them shut. His body didn't feel good, didn't feel the way it was supposed to feel. "I think… Maybe…" he started, but losing his trail of thoughts before he could finish the sentence.

"Reid! Please, kid, tell me where you are, okay? I'll come over right away, listen; I'm already in my car. Just tell me where you are, we'll figure this all out I promise."

And after what felt like the longest time, Reid finally managed to whisper the name of the motel he was staying at. "M-morgan… Something… Come… P-please…" he whispered, his voice afraid in a way it hadn't been since the kidnap. He could feel himself slipping farther away from consciousness, and as he were trying to remember how much he had taken today, he felt the panic rising in his chest. He didn't remember, for all he knew he could have taken just a regular fix, but the other thought, the far more scaring thought, was that maybe, just maybe, he had taken too much this time. But his trail of thoughts and worry soon came to an end, as the young man lost consciousness, the phone gliding down from his air onto the bed, and the sound of Morgan's voice calling out his name on the other end.

**A/N: I'm not really sure how I feel about this chapter, but here its is. And sorry for the cliffhanger, but I'll update with the next chapter soon enough. Reviews would be very much appreciated, thank you for reading!**


	4. Chapter 4

Morgan called for an ambulance as he was on his way to the motel where Reid was staying, the way the kid had sounded on the phone he wasn't willing to take any chances. He pulled up in front of the entrance to the motel, and ran in, remembering that Garcia hadn't found Reid's name in any of the motels in town, probably meaning he had used a fake name. He cursed loudly, and run his hand across his face before looking at the man behind the desk, trying to figure out what to say. "Have you.. Uh, seen a scrawny looking kid, with light brown hair reaching just underneath his ears? He would have checked in a couple of days ago, in a pretty bad shape." He said, after flashing his badge for the man.  
>"Sorry, no." the man mumbled, uninterested, without looking up from the newspaper he was reading, clearly not paying much attention at all.<br>Morgan hit his fist in the table, before he grabbed the man and pulled him close. "Listen to me, a man in his twenties checked in here a couple of days ago. Light brown hair, pretty messed up. Now you're going to tell me what room he's in unless you want to spend the next week locked up down town." He said in a dark, threatening voice. The man avoided eye contact with Morgan, nodding slowly before pulling away and getting the key to the room. "Think he's there now."

The ambulance was outside as Morgan went out and headed for the room Reid was in, running now, feeling the adrenaline pumping in his body. He struggled a little with unlocking the door, but ripped it opened when he did, and called for the paramedics when he saw Reid lying in the bed, looking lifeless. He was quickly by his side, pulling him over in his lap while checking for his pulse and other sign of the younger man still breathing. He wasn't sure, but he thought he could feel a low pulse every now and again. The paramedics were at their side shortly after, lifting Reid's body and carrying him into the ambulance, followed by a highly stressed Derek Morgan. The paramedics quickly gave the kid a intranasal naloxone, while also ensuring that his lungs were safe from aspiration and that there was a clear pathway from his lunges, before placing a oxygen mask in front of his face. Everything was moving so fast and in a blur for Morgan now, and before he knew it he was sitting in the hallway alone, waiting for what the doctors had to tell him.

After what felt like forever he spotted the doctor heading for him, and quickly stood up, presented himself, and waited for what he had to say. "The patient is doing just fine at the moment, but it was a good thing you got to him when you did. We will have to keep him for observation for 24 hours, before we can release him. He is sleeping now, but if you want to, you can go to his room and wait there until he wakes up." He said, and pointed towards the room Reid was in. Morgan nodded, and thanked the doctor for what they had done, before he went into the room, and grabbed a chair that he moved next to the bed, where he sat down, and looked over the kid. "You scared me. Never do this again, pretty boy." He said, and slowly took his hand in his, as he sat there waiting for the man to wake up.

Reid had been woken up several times during the night, once every hour to be precise, but he couldn't remember much of it. It wasn't until morning that he finally woke up, grimacing to the strong light that hit his eyes, quickly shutting them again. He opened them after a while, looking into Morgan's worried face, and feeling a surge of guilty conscience and shame going through him. Morgan didn't look good at all, tired, worried. And knowing it was because of him that his friend looked like this, made everything so much worse. He was about to say something when Morgan handed him a glass of water and asked him to drink, and nodded before he sat a little up in the bed, drinking a little of the water before placing the glass on the little table next to his bed.

He started to apologize, but Morgan cut him off midsentence, "Kid, now you're going to listen to me, you hear me?" he said, and waited until the boy nodded before he continued. "I know what happened to you, and I know it's been bugging you ever since. What happened was shit, and I understand how you feel, a thing like that would destroy even the strongest of men. But you need to stop this; you can't sit around forever feeling sorry for yourself, and trying in all the wrong ways to make things better. Cause I've been there, pretty boy, that's not the way it works. I don't know how you're going to get past this, but I know you won't get past it if you continue this way. The speed you're going in right now, the only thing coming out of that will be your body six feet under, and I'm not about to let that happen. Now, I've called Hotch, and you can scream about it all you'd like, but you're in this place because of you. We're your friends Reid, we're all here for you, but we can't just let this pass. So you're suspended until you get your life back on track."

Reid didn't know what to say, a part of him wanted to scream at the man, blame him for what was happening now, but then the other part of him told him he shouldn't, told him Morgan was right, and if it were the other way around he would have done the same thing. Well, most likely he would have had Hotch doing it for him, not wanting to face the fury of Derek Morgan, but either way, he knew what his friend was doing was the right thing, so he just nodded, before looking down on the blanket on top of him, shame and defeat in his eyes. He knew what he had been doing was wrong, that it wouldn't work in the long run. But still… These past weeks had been so great for him. He wasn't sure if he was ready to give that up, but did he have any other choice? He loved his job, and even how much he refused on it, his job was in many ways his life.

Morgan squeezed his hand, before letting go when the phone called. He walked outside to answer it, and came back after a couple of minutes. "Reid, I got to go. But I'll stop by later tonight if I can, and tomorrow. Garcia is looking into places that can help you, good places. You need to listen to what she says, trust us on this, and just let us help you out of this mess."  
>Reid bit his lip, and met the other mans gaze. "I don't need to go anywhere; I can do it on my own. Like last time. I don't need any help, I'm fine." He said, but quickly regretting it when he saw the look on Morgan's face, the almost dark eyes. "You keep telling yourself that kid, and see where you end up, alone in the gutter somewhere. Now we're going to help you, and that's final." He said, before leaving the room.<p>

Reid stared after the man, before shifting in the bed he was on and lying on his side, facing the wall. He felt just like a kid again, not being able to do anything by himself, always having people looking over him. And that angry voice in the back of his head were shouting at him, telling him to not just let them take control of his life this way. He curled together on the bed, pulling his blanket over his head, as he tried to block out the screaming voice in his head, begging it to shut up.

**A/N: Thank you for the reviews, hopefully you'll like this chapter as well, and thank you for reading!**


	5. Chapter 5

Reid was sitting in his hospital bed, shifting uncomfortably while the thoughts raced through his head. Morgan had come by to check up on him again earlier this evening, but not being able to stay long because of the case he was working on. But he had told him about this place that Garcia had found, explained where it was, how their program worked. The thought of being locked up in that facility while strange people were monitoring him, expecting him to tell his story, didn't sound good at all. He was the one that had got him into this mess in the first place, having Morgan and Garcia being the ones getting him out of it seemed wrong. And a big part of him didn't want to get out of it at all. If he agreed to go there, he would have to stop all together, but on the other hand, if he hid away somewhere, he could stop on his own. Not stop for good, but find a dosage that would make things better, but at the same time not so obvious that Morgan could tell. He quickly got out of bed, and walked to the closet where the clothes he had arrived in was, changing into them, before heading into the hallway and towards the nurse at the desk. "I want to check myself out, and I need the things that were brought in with me when I came." He said, the nurse nodding and finding the right papers for him to sign, leaving them for him to work out as she went to collect the bag with the few things the kid had on him when coming in, including his wallet and badge.

Reid left the hospital in a hurry, thankful that Morgan hadn't had the chance to talk to this nurse seeing as her shift had just started. He opened his phone, and started writing a new message. _'I'm going to work this out on my own, Morgan. I don't want to go to that place you were telling me about earlier, please don't come looking for me. I will be back soon. There will be no point in trying to call me; I'm disposing of my phone now. See you soon. Tell the others I said hey, okay? Reid."_ He sent the message, before he threw the phone in the garbage, and went for the train station. He knew exactly where he were going, the one place Morgan and the rest of the team would never look for him; Tobias Hankel's cabin. He thought it might be a good idea, sort of therapeutic, going back to the place that haunted him might turn into something good. Even though the voice in the back of his head told him not to go back there, he chose to ignore it. Lately that voice hadn't brought him anything good at all.

Reid clutched the little bag he had with him when he was standing outside of the cabin, and felt a surge of panic going through him from being here again, but he kept telling himself that it was for the best, this would make everything good again. He slowly walked towards the door, and used a few minutes to collect himself before he managed to open it and walk in again. Everything was exactly the way it was before he had left, the only difference being that the police hadn't bothered to clean up after themselves.

He put his bag down, before he sat down on the chair that was placed in the middle of the room, and drew a deep breath before he closed his eyes, opening them again to the memories he had tried so hard to contain. Hankel now again standing before him, introducing himself as Raphael, claiming to be the instrument of God as he pulls the revolver and points it at him. The room is spinning, Tobias coming back again, but different now. The shouting voice trying to make him admit to his sins, comparing him to the devil as he takes his shoes off. Reid swears even though it's just a memory, he can still feel the pain of the wood beating against the sole of his foot. An apologizing voice now, Reid realizing it is Tobias, trying to protest unsuccessful as the man injects the drug into his hand.

The memories kept spinning like this for hours, maybe even days, as it sure felt like it. Flashback after flashback, trapping Reid in his head, making him doubt what was real or not. Then there is silence, all of a sudden an intense and petrifying silence. Reid stands up, and starts walking around in the cabin, looking at all the things laying here, while still convincing himself that this was for the best. Even how scary it was right now, and even how much it hurt being here, in the long run this would have to turn out to be something good. He doesn't find Tobias drugs anywhere, but thinking he might have had been stupid, after all the police had probably taken out every little piece of evidence the day they were here. He went over to his bag, and took out the drugs he had bought, with the syringes. It wasn't what Tobias had used on him, as he was in a hurry when he left for the cabin, he had only gotten his hands on heroin, but leaving the hallucinogen drug out of it might not be such a bad thing. He was quick to prepare his shot, before he sat down on the floor with his back against the wall, thinking about what Morgan had said to him when he was at the hospital. _The speed you're going in right now, the only thing coming out of that will be your body six feet under. _

He bit his lip, as his eyes wandered around in the cabin, six feet under… The voice in the back of his head started talking again, this time calmer, sweeter almost. Telling him how being six feet under wouldn't be such a bad thing, considering the state Reid was in now couldn't even be called living. And the fact that Reid agreed to that scared him, but at the same time knowing it wouldn't all be good. People would be affected by his death, his mum, Morgan, the rest of the team. There would be so many people being left behind with questions no man could ever answer, and a bigger sorrow because of him. He couldn't let that happen, could he? He slowly rolled his sleeve up, as his thoughts continued racing. What should he do? Would it be best for everyone if he never came back, if he just stayed here? And what if he died, maybe no one would be that sad from it, thinking he rather ran away to live like this, cause them finding him here seemed impossible. Wouldn't it in many ways be better if he never came back? That way he would never have to look into the eyes of the people he loved, admitting defeat, their disappointment evident. And maybe they would miss him at first, but after a while he would just become a distant memory, as the years passed, they met new people. Maybe they could find someone to take his place, because lately he hadn't been able to fill that one himself, so surely there couldn't be much to miss? He closed his eyes as the needle went through his vein, wondering what this would feel like when there was just pure heroin flowing through his veins. He would find out soon enough.

Morgan was in his car, his breath deep and out of control. He had just been at the hospital, to discover that some bitch of a nurse had let him check himself out. The anger he felt was intense, partly to the hospital for letting him get away, but most of all toward Reid. That fucking kid, what the fuck was he thinking? Thinking that he could somehow manage this on his own, without any help, the text he had got making it no better. Acting so nonchalant about what he was writing to him, then disposing of his phone making sure that Morgan would have no way to contact him. What if something happened to him? There would be no way for anyone to help him. "Dammit Reid, for a genius your pretty damn stupid."

**A/N: Sorry for the slow update, Ive been a little busy, but here it is. Tell me what you think about it, and thank you so much for all the reviews and for reading.**


	6. Chapter 6

Reid didn't know how long he had been at the cabin now, but from how much drugs he had left he was guessing he had been her at least a couple of weeks. Things hadn't gone as he had planned; it hadn't helped him overcome his problems. And being here, trapped in all the memories, where the only escape was the heroin, didn't make it any easier for him to stop. So he had packed up his stuff, and started walking towards the nearest town. His body was exhausted, but he kept pushing on. He hadn't eaten in what seemed like forever, in fact, he hadn't eaten since he told the team he was going on a vacation, and you could see it on him. His clothes were too big for him now, and if it weren't for the belt he had with him, his pants would have fallen off. The sweater he was wearing hang loosely around his shoulders, showing his protruding collar bones, in a way that made him look almost sick. With dark rings around his eyes, and an overall pale body. Every fiber of his body hurt, from thirst, from hunger, from exhaustion. He hadn't taken any drugs the past two days, ignoring the smarter part of his brain that said it was never a good idea to stop cold turkey, at least not when you had been starving yourself for the past month. Before he had left he had buried the rest of the drugs and syringes, committing to trying this time, having realized that what Morgan and Garcia had wanted for him was exactly what he needed.

Time passed by excruciatingly slow, the fever running through his body not making things any better. He was shaking pretty hard, his stomach wanting to vomit, but nothing but acid coming up, making his throat burn. His headache felt like it was going to kill him, not getting any better by the screaming voices in his head. He thought he could see people in the corner of his eyes sometimes, but then turning to see nothing but the dusty road he was walking on. He was crying, but you couldn't really tell, as there were no tears. There probably would have been if he had had any water in his body, but he didn't. He was so ashamed of himself, not sure how he was going to reach out, almost certain that he had blew away any chance of getting help by doing this. But he wanted to try, there had always been a stronger kind of love between him and Morgan, and he was hoping that this past month hadn't managed to ruin that love. He didn't know what he was going to do if that happened, in many ways Morgan was his lifeline, always there helping him, supporting him through hard times. He had lost count over how many times he had called Morgan in the middle of the night, waking him up because he was scared alone in the dark, due to his nightmares. But the man never said anything bad about it, and he always came right over to him, regardless of what he was doing, or where he was. The hate he felt for himself and the way he had treated the man rushed through him, thinking back on the conversations they had had this past month. Why couldn't he have listened to him? And why did he think that going back here could ever help him? He didn't understand why he had done what he did, why he had chosen being alone in the place that haunted him over having his friends and medical support. This might turn out to be the biggest mistake he had made so far. But he had to find a way to make things right again, to gain their trust back, get back on the team. Without them, he wouldn't last a day, clean or not.

After what felt like days of walking, he was finally in front of a beat down old motel. He went inside and paid for a room, using his real name this time. He was going to call Derek; he just needed to think about what he was going to say to him. And he badly needed a place to lie down; his body feeling like it would give in at any second. He quickly got into the room, the first thing he did opening the minibar, and looking for something to drink. He found a little water bottle, and opened it on his way to the bed, drinking almost everything in just a few gulps. The feeling when his tired body hit the soft bed was unbelievable, impossible to describe. And before he knew it, he had drifted off to sleep.

Morgan had just come home from a case in New York, checking his phone yet again for any sign of life from Reid. It had almost been three weeks since he had disappeared from the hospital, where no one had heard from him, not leaving a single paper trail behind. As the days where passing, he lost faith of ever finding the kid again more and more. He had messed up on the case they were on, not paying attention, leading to the unsub getting the upper hand and stabbing him. It wasn't anything serious, Hotch was there and managed to take the control back pretty fast, but needless to say he had messed up, and was ordered to take some time off to get his head straight. But with Reid missing he didn't know if he ever could. There was something more than just the brotherly love he had thought he always had for him, but he couldn't quite put his finger on what it was, or maybe he just wouldn't admit it for himself. Regardless of what kind of emotions he had in him, it didn't matter as long as the kid wasn't there.

Reid woke up early the next day to an intense pain in his stomach, in addition to the fever that had only gotten worse. The way his body was shaking could almost be described as spasms, and the cold sweat was covering his body completely. He curled into the fetal position on bed, and grabbed his knees, holding his arms hard around his body. The abstinences had been worse then he thought they would be, and thinking they would only get worse from here scared him. He knew he had to get to a hospital fast, but not before calling Morgan. So he forced himself out of bed, and towards the desk the phone was at, barely able to carry his own body. He got out of his sweater and pants, as the heat was too much to him, sitting down on the chair in his briefs only. He dragged his hand across his face, before he pressed in Morgan's number, and listened to the beeping on the other line. He heard a clicking sound before the voicemail came on, clearing his throat when he heard the beep. "Morgan, it's me... Reid." He whispered into the phone, the pain he was feeling very evident in his voice. "I just wanted to let you know I'm back… I'm going to call an ambulance soon; I'm not feeling good at all. I'm sorry I didn't listen to you... I'm sorry I ran away. Derek, please don't hate me, I don't think I could bare that… I don't know where I am. I was staying at Hankel's cabin, but your listed as my closest relative in my hospital files, so they will call you. I have to go now, I… I, um, love you, please don't be mad." He close to sobbed, drawing his breath before he said bye, and hung up. He took another water bottle from the minibar underneath the desk, and drank it before he called the ambulance, and told them what was wrong. They said they would be there soon, so he went to lie on the bed while he waited for them to arrive. They would probably try to call Morgan soon; he hoped he would answer, that he would come. Even though he would understand if the man never wanted to see him again.

**A/N: So, tell me what you think about this chapter? Reviews are really appreciated, they're what keeps me going on with this story. Personally I love writing it, so hopefully some of you love reading it too. And thank you for all the reviews and such, and for reading, means a lot.**


	7. Chapter 7

Morgan had been sitting by his bed since the second he came here, not wanting to leave his side in case he wanted to pull a stunt like the one he did earlier again. There were all sorts of machines monitoring him, and tubes going into his body to keep his body hydrated. He had talked to the doctors, and they had told him that the kid was in a pretty bad shape, and that he would need medical care and help to get past this. But even if the doctors hadn't told him anything, he would have seen it. The kid was so skinny now, well, he had always been skinny, but not like this. His entire body had a pale look, except from the darker rings under his eyes. It literary hurt for him to see his friend like this, and he blamed himself, as well as the kid, for the way things were now. If he had seen the signs earlier and took better care of him, like he was supposed to, he could have stopped it. And if Reid had just listened to what he said instead of running off and making things worse, they would have never ended up here.

Reid slowly opened his eyes when he woke up, and the first thing he saw was Morgan's worried face in front of him. Even though his body hurt from what he had been through, that was nothing compared to the shame and guilt he felt towards him. He cleared his throat, and slowly managed to sit up in bed, while looking at the other man's face. "I'm sorry..." he whispered, not really knowing what else he could say. Sorry wasn't good enough, he knew that, but it was a start. And Morgan would probably have a lot of questions for him to answer too, so he felt it was best to just let him lead the conversation.

"I'm glad you're okay." Was the first thing Morgan said, and he slowly took the younger man's hand in his, and squeezed it gently. "But kid… Don't you ever do something like that again, because I swear, then it won't be the drugs killing you, it will be me. Do you have any idea how worried we have been for you? We're supposed to be a family Reid, and that family doesn't work when you're not around. And what the hell were you thinking going back to Hankel's cabin? Even an idiot could have told you that was a bad idea. And heroin? What the hell were you thinking?" he said, frustration in his voice. He had tried to make sense of what Reid had done, but no matter how he put it he couldn't make any sense of it, at all. But again, when did drugs and what they did to you make any sense?

Reid quickly nodded to the remark made about how he shouldn't do this again, the last hours at the cabin had got him thinking, and he had decided then to stop this, that he wouldn't ever touch the drugs again. "Morgan, I know. I don't know what else I can do but apologize, cause no matter what I say it won't change the fact that I did what I did, nothing can change that. And I don't really know what I was thinking, I guess I thought it would be therapeutic, and I decided it must be so when the voice in my head said otherwise, cause that voice hadn't brought me anything good. I was in a hurry, I guess… That's why I ended up buying heroin, it was the closest thing the guy had."  
>Reid slowly took the glass of water that was on the table next to him, and drank some of it before putting it back again. "I'm going to really try this time Morgan; I swear I'm going to try. Not only try, I'm going to quit, for good, okay? But- but I don't think I can do it alone, please, don't make me do it alone. I know you wanted to help me, and I turned you down, I have no right to ask you to help me now, but please. I don't think I can do this without you, Morgan."<p>

Morgan listened to what he had to say, and a smile slowly formed across his face. "Pretty boy, you know I'm always here for you, you know that. I'm not going to make you do this on your own just because you wouldn't help me the first time around, that's not how this works. And either way, I have some free time now, so it's not like I have anything better to do." He said, leaving out the fact that it would actually be impossible for him not to help the guy. The love he had for Reid had always been big, but something had changed lately, making every minute he knew Reid was in pain somewhere he couldn't reach him unbearable. But actually admitting to that, saying it out loud, would have been too weird for him. He wasn't the kind of man that would sit down talking about his emotions; he hardly ever talked about them. And he didn't want to worry the kid with his own confusion, or even worse, scare him away.

They sat talking like this for hours, until the doctor came back, and wanted to talk to Reid in private. Morgan used that hour to head back to the hotel he was staying in, to take a quick shower and something to eat, before he came back, just as the doctor left his room. He was briefly informed that he was going to be sent to a different hospital a couple of miles away, to start the detoxification progress, and that he would have to stay there for at least a couple of weeks before they could think about taking him home, and that even after that a nurse would come by to check up on him, and give him a small dosage of methadone, until he was ready to stop completely. So Morgan picked up his phone and started calling around, informing the team, making arrangements for Reid to stay at his place and have the nurses come there when it was time for that. He knew this would be hard on the kid, and he wouldn't let him go through a day of it alone. The team needed both Reid and Morgan to come back as fast as possible, and he was going to make sure that happened.

**A/N: Am I the only one that hasn't been able to log on here the past day? Anyways, I hope you guys like this chapters, reviews would be greatly appreciated.**


	8. Chapter 8

The past weeks had been horrible on Reid, to put it lightly, but he had managed to get through it somehow, with a lot of help from Morgan. The first week had been the worst, there wasnt anything he could think of that could even compare to how he felt those days, and without Morgan by his side he was pretty sure he would have given up after just a couple of days. He had wanted to give up with Morgan there too, but he was always right by his side pushing him through it, convincing him to keep going. He didn't know how he could ever even begin to repay him for that, because what he had done was huge, he hadn't just helped him out a little, he had given him his life back. Reid still didn't feel all that good, physically he felt fine, but psychologically he was a train-wreck. He still had some hallucinations, but he tried his best to ignore them, and he didn't tell anyone. Which he realized might be stupid, seeing as he'd been told a lot lately that talking about what you're going through is an important part of it all. He just couldn't face the idea of sitting down with Morgan to tell him that he saw Hankel standing in the corner of the room right now and he would be closing in on him soon. He shook his head to try to get his thoughts on another track, sitting down on the couch with a cup of coffee. Morgan had left twenty minutes ago to go to the store, and it felt fucking weird to think about it, but just being apart from him that long felt like a nightmare in itself. He guessed that's what happens when you spend every second of every day with someone else during the most fragile state you'd ever been in. It wasnt only that though, he felt that it was something else too, gnawing at the back of his mind, he just couldn't quite figure out what it was.

Morgan parked his car in front of his place, and took the bags out before he went to go inside. His heart was beating pretty hard in his chest, he wondered if Reid would still be there when he came in. He wanted to trust he would be, but then again he never knew, addiction changed people, and it wouldn't have been the first time he would have run off. Today was the first time he had left him, well he had left him for quick showers and visits to the toilet, but this was the first time in weeks that he had left him in the sense of actually going away from the place he was at. He had spoken to his sister about everything that had been happening, and she had told him that he should give him a chance, because showing him that he trusted him enough to leave him alone would mean a lot for him, apparently. He didn't know if he believed that, Reid hadn't seemed all to happy when he announced he was going out without him, but it was worth the try, right? He took a sharp breath before he opened the door, and smiled a little when he could see Reid sitting there on the couch, with his cup of coffee. "Hey, didn't mean to take that long." he said, and went to the kitchen to unload everything he had gotten.

Reid got up from the couch and left his cup at the table, before he followed him into the kitchen and helped him put the things in the fridge. "Its okay." he shrugged, and looked back at him with a smile.

Morgan returned the smile, and took a quick glance over him. He was looking a lot better, he wasnt as pale anymore, and he had gained a few pounds. He still needed to put on some more weight before he could be back to looking like he did before everything went downhill, but he was getting there. His hair was raggedy, but he liked it that way, it looked good on him. His train of thought got broken off when he realized the kid was talking to him, "Uh, sorry, what did you say?"

"I said, if you were to stare anymore I think your eyes would actually fall out." he repeated, laughing a little, with a slight blush to his face. Morgan just flashed him his usual grin, which made Reid feel like tiny butterflies were swirling around in his stomach. He took the liberty to stare back a little, before inwardly cursing at himself for the thoughts that came to him, quickly getting back to the task of putting things in their right place to get his mind off it. But it wasnt that weird, was it? Morgan was handsome, hell he was probably the best looking man he had ever seen, and that smile of his was probably worth a million bucks. He closed the fridge and went to walk back to the livingroom, only to find that his face was probably only an inch away from Morgans chest. Without thinking too much about it he smelled him a little, sighing at the smell of the mans cologne. It was like that cologne was made to make Reid lose it a little, so much that he had actually sprayed his pillows and blanket with it, not that Morgan knew, or that Reid would ever tell him. He bit his lower lip, thinking back to the first few nights after he got out of the hospital, when he had been freaking out, and then Morgan would come and lie down behind him, spooning him and whispering soft nothings to him to make him calm down. The feel of his skin against his back, and his hands closing around him. Reid slowly looked up at him, drawing a sharp breath and biting his lower lip a little. Maybe, just maybe.. Well, it was worth a shot, wasnt it? He slowly placed his hand behind his neck, uncertain in his moves but trying his best to hide it, got up on his toes and pulling him close, before he let their lips meet in the softest of kisses. It felt like it lasted forever, and his mind was absolutely blown away at how good that felt, and he was wondering how long he had been having those feelings for him without knowing, almost thinking what had happened was a good thing because what if he never would have realized. After what seemed like forever he pulled back, his back against the fridge, looking up at Morgans face, which as usual was fucking impossible to read, waiting for some sort of response from the older man.

**A/N: Im sorry that I took so long to post this chapter, theres just been a lot going on and I lost the feel of it, sort of. Im not too sure about this chapter, so feedback would be very much appreciated. Let me know if you want me to continue the story or not!**


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